I Don't Know Who I Am, Who I Am Without You; All I Know is That I Should

Life... Oh, if life had a rewind button! But alas, it doesn't, and we're stuck with our decisions. I can't go back a year and a half ago and tell him what I waited about two months too long to him. I can't make him change that either. I blame myself more than I blame him, in a way, even though we were equally at fault. I can't pretend that this whole situation hasn't put me in the most emotional pain that I've ever experienced. I can't even make hurting him make me feel any better about my situation. I certainly can't make him fight for me -- especially not with her there. What scares me is that I thought I was done hurting over this. I realize that I have to admit that I, despite everything, deep down still have feelings for him... feelings I don't want... feelings I would erase if I could. Do I love him? I don't know... I'm afraid to answer that question; I'm afraid that the answer would shake up everything I've always believed to be true about myself and about love. I can't face this right now. I don't anticipate falling for anyone else this hard again, because it hurts, way more than it should.