& Sometimes I'm Scared Like a Child...

Let me take a moment to be honest here... as 2010 ends and 2011 begins, I am scared to death. What am I afraid of, you ask? I'm terrified, TERRIFIED that I won't be accepted into a graduate program for this coming fall semester. I recently applied to seven Ph.D. programs and one Masters program in clinical psychology, and my entire soul resounds with the constant desire to be accepted into one, JUST ONE!!, program. My first choice is the Master's program. It's in Colorado, and I want to go there so badly I can taste it. People tell me not to worry, that I'll be fine, but I'm so sick of hearing that, because it's not necessarily true. It's more difficult to get into a Ph.D. program in clinical psychology than it is to get into MEDICAL school. The odds are against me. My GPA could be better, and my GRE scores are pretty terrible. There's nothing more I can do. But, I've already begun getting ready to consider applying to other psychology Master's programs with later application deadlines if I don't get into any of the ones I've already applied to. I don't want it to come to that, but I'll do just about anything it takes to get in. Oh, if only it were possible that wanting, praying, wishing, and hoping hard enough would get me in!! I knew that the waiting process to be called for interviews would be difficult, but what makes it worse is the fact that I have NO idea when to expect the interview calls! How long will I have to wait?!

This is What I Call My Therapy

Every now and then, I feel the urge to just write out what I wish other people knew. I don't say their names -- just how I feel. It's been awhile since I've done this, and with everything changing and getting ready to change lately, I feel the need to do it again. Let's go...

1) I'm going to miss you so incredibly much. There are simply no words to describe it. I'm going to miss your pure, innocent smile, the way you lit up the entire room you were in, the way you held my hand, the way you depended on me so very much... I wonder if you think of me. I wonder if you'll forget me. I definitely won't forget you. God has allowed you to touch my life so deeply that you'll probably always be a part of my understanding of myself and the world around me, despite the fact that I only knew you for such a short time.

2) You could make me laugh like no one else. The simple way that you saw the world opened my eyes and my heart. I love that little half-smile of yours whenever you were joking. I love the way you said my name and even those little weird names you called me. You'll always be a part of me too, and I miss you so very much. Don't forget me, please?

3) Wow. You and I have had so much fun together. If we ever wrote that book that you and I were talking about, I know it would already be past 500 pages. When I think back to how it all started, it seems like such a random event that put us together in an unexpected circumstance, but I know that was God's Hand in our lives all along. We needed each other, and I didn't realize how much. I literally, honestly don't know what I'd do or who I'd be without you in my life. I am so thankful for you. Our time together will soon draw to a close, and I don't know what we'll do then! But I don't want to think about that right now. We have way too many more fun times to have before then. Here's to many more memories ahead!

4) I wonder how often you think of me. How did we ever get so close? You are definitely one of the most special people I've ever met in my entire life, and I love for everyone to know how good of friends we are. You're like a mother to me. I think of you often because you're such a huge part of my life. You've impacted me in so many ways. I hope I have children some day and they can meet you and know how truly amazing you are. You'll be in my heart forever. I miss you and hope to see you soon.

5) Until very recently, I would never have expected that you would grow to be a part of my life. You're... different, but the more I get to know you, the more I realize that I think you and I are extremely compatible. You're like me in that you seem a bit "scary" (for lack of a better word) or at least "stand-offish" at first, but then once people get to know us, they get to know our hearts. I don't know what role you're going to play in my near future, but I feel that you and I are meant to be close. I feel God telling me that I need you and you need me, though I don't know why as of yet. It's as if God is telling me to get as close to you as I can right now because something important needs to happen; that's why I approached you the way I did and when I did. I can't wait to see where our relationship will go.

6) I wish you were man enough to stand in front of me and tell me how you've felt all this time. I want to know all the lies and the truths. They may have been able to tear me to shreds before, but things are different now. I know more about this than you realize, and while I don't hate you, it's so hard to fight negative feelings towards you. A part of me still wants you in my life, but I really feel that it's just because I wanted you for so long. For quite sometime, I didn't know how to be me without you. Now I do, and I'm happy. It's so funny that I wished and prayed for you for so very long. I thought that I lost the battle, but no. That was God protecting me from you. Wow. The thought of that is absolutely astounding. If I had gotten what I wanted, it could have destroyed me, but God saw it fit not to give me what I asked for because He knew what was best for me -- and after all this time, it wasn't you...


I'm sure I'll do more of these later. I really enjoyed it, and I feel better now!